Elfspice

who me?

2006-10-08T08:51:00.000+10:00

This morning as I was resisting getting up it struck me that I could write the whuffie server program myself. The control interface side of it could be as simple as a web application. To complete the application a simple server side section would need to be written which listens for requests, performs searches when requested, and fires off further requests to the ip addresses in its directory cache.

I know it's probably going to make a lot of people mad, but I'm going to write it in php. On the off chance that I actually get something working, if people are interested enough, they can port it into whatever language they like. I just like php that's all. I happen to know for certain that I can write a server application in php because I've done a simple server app in php before.

So it will be done. Nice way to spend a lazy sunday really.

Back to Earth

2006-10-07T21:44:00.000+10:00

A burst of enthusiasm passes and I feel a bit spent. The ideas I put together for the whuffie p2p network design I'm not so full of confidence about... *shrug* I'm sure if it's meritorious it will be picked up and have something done with.

I'm not much chop for implementations but designs and specifications are things I enjoy alot, although after I feel like I've put everything into it that I have I fall into this dull depression and wonder what the big deal was after all.

I hope the fellow who wanted to find it hasn't been put off by my putting the information in a place that appears to be inaccessible to him. I know that there has been several people visiting the website however, as the server logs show quite a few accesses during times when I definitely wasn't accessing it myself and was asleep. I can't say whether it was just one person or if there was several because the log only shows 127.0.0.1 for every access since it is on a tor hidden service.

The giant vat of fermenting apple juice is going along well, one can actually see effervescence in it constantly and the rate at which the gas is flowing out is quite phenomenal. It's been a bit of a novelty for my mother to witness it, she's never seen fermentation being done before. It's only my 6th ever brew, but in previous brews it was never this vigorous. I also have never put this much sugar into a brew either, or filled a vat so fully. I was concerned it might bubble out and make a mess but it's been absolutely no problem at all. If it were beer i think it would have made a right mess.

Bitchun'

2006-10-07T06:34:00.000+10:00

http://bitchun.org/
This is an interesting first attempt at creating an implementation of Whuffie, a form of currency described in Cory Doctorow's ( http://craphound.com/?p=147 ) book Down and Out in the Magic Kingdom which was a measure of reputation and regard from other people also using this currency. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Whuffie describes it in basic terms and explains some of the subtlties of it.

After seeing the bitchun.org thing I decided I needed to write up my specification which I had been thinking about for some time, although I'd not thought about it for ages since dreaming it up. In the remembering some of the puzzles about it my concept has become clearer.

It is not complete by any means, but it you can find what I've written so far at http://ezrblwfyoyl24dar.onion/index.php/Whuffie
(requires a Tor proxy client to view/edit) and I invite anyone with thoughts about it to help me work up a proper protocol specification.

I would very much like to see whuffie become a real thing, Cory touches on something which is very crucial to the whole business of the sharing of value in his book Down and Out in the Magic Kingdom http://www.craphound.com/down/.

Electric Moron Once Again...

2006-10-06T16:39:00.000+10:00

It appears to be quite likely that the electric moron was involved in an attempt to defraud my mother of her credit card number, a call was received by me and by her and a person pretended to be our previous internet/phone provider requesting payment on a bill which did not exist.

Fortunately I was very abrupt with them as this provider has done much to provoke ill will from me, and likewise with my mother, and no such details were given out, although her date of birth was lost. This may be the cause of some problems, however I doubt they knew enough to be able to request a birth certificate for her (ie, her place of birth was not known).

The electric moron's bill had me sent a final notice and weighing things up I decided that I would pay back the bill slowly rather than face a civil court bleating about having been defrauded and manipulated by a scoundrel.

Unbeknownst, possibly, to the moron, who has clearly not been paying his rent, the real estate agent sent a breach notice which had my name on it, and thus was caught by the net of my mail redirection oddly enough. I have elected to sit on this little notice. If they do not attempt to contact him by phone, then he will be none the wiser, and perhaps he will be unlucky and have them knocking at his door demanding his vacation of the property with officers of the law in tow who will not take kindly to the fact he may be at the time in the midst of producing an illegal substance in his garage.

This has raised the question of whether the estate agent has heeded the signed documents submitted to them stating that I was no longer on the lease, and thus I have filed my copy of said document alongside the breach notice should any further come of this and blame be assigned to me beyond the date for which the document states I abdicated responsibility. It is best I be fore-armed against this possibility, because as of the date given I should have no legal liability.

I do not believe that he had any sway over the agents, so I satisfy myself for the time being that this was a mistaken addressing the breach to me, but know that if it should go ill I have some means to repel any attempts to assign liability to me.

The moron had the gall to demand I give him further monies when I was completely certain I had completely paid my debt for the house fro my part. I realise now that when he approached me thusly I should have said, 'This debt is between me and the agents, not between me and you and it shall only be given thusly to the agents,' but I wasn't fully in possession of my reason due to the fear he had successfully implanted into my mind.

Never again. I decided when this business was at its point of commencing closure that I was never again going to accept maltreatment or abuse from any person ever again in my life and I am steadfast as iron with this matter and even small slights I now have a calculated response, which this recent nonsense has fully crystallised for me, which basically goes like this:

"When I am done wrong, my retaliation is in the witholding of regard and concern for the wrongdoer. If I have instigated consequences in my name, I will wear them, but if there is any situation in which my help may prevent them from finding trouble I will withold it with the intent that my inaction leads them to harm themselves."

I think this is basically the praxis upon which nobility operates, and I fully intend to become noble. Noble means to not get entangled in the business of others. Only when one refuses to be drawn into retaliation or opens oneself up for abuse does one avoid trouble and make the ground ready for their ascent up the ladder of reputation. Wrong done to counter wrong does not elevate social standing, it simply puts one at the mercy of the sly silver tongue and to whether one has a greater skill of persuasion than the one who has aggrieved.

I've had a gutful

2006-10-05T18:34:00.000+10:00

Look, to everyone, I couldn't give a flying fuck that you don't like an active chatter in your domain. I've just got an email in a mailing list chastising me for being to much of a chatterbox and I couldn't give a flying fuck if you are having a bad day, that's it, you just shut me up permanently. At least in any social online domain that is not primarily about me putting my thoughts out there (ie not here).

The same thing basically applies in my non-electronic communication domain, I have realised that only a very small number of people appreciate my thoughts at all. In case you hadn't noticed from reading this blog, I spare nobody in my critiques, and I am sick of apologising to people for being so unswerving in my intent to make clear criticism and offer comprehensive albeit at times divergent idea streams for further actions.

If anyone wants my creative or critical input on anything I am not going to say a thing without a big fat legal document saying that they will pay me if they even dare so much as to say in a public arena to me that I am being in some way unacceptably blunt or misguided in my expressions. I'm not interested in being castigated for expressing my opinion when it is invited ever again. EVER. and I'm not fucking around. People who are actually interested in hearing an opinion don't mind me.

Blogger doesn't mind me spouting at the mouth so here is where you hear my thoughts. Unfortunately blogger doesn't make it simple to find out if anything I've said has attracted comments, but I do try to find out if anyone has an opinion to reflect, and I would love to respond to any opinions.

But I am becoming increasingly averse to this whole debate business because I have only rarely met people who are objective enough to permit a decent dialogue with me.

For the rest of you all - I couldn't give a damn. If you aren't willing to permit my reaction to your thoughts or actions then you don't deserve any of my time and you can fucking go to hell.

GOOD BYE

withdrawal

2006-10-04T15:43:00.000+10:00

I went in to my clubhouse yesterday and was very disappointed to see that the master copy I'd made, and the instructions on printing it were completely unheeded. I guess perhaps it should not be a surprise considering I am the only person in the place who even knows what good typography looks like. *shrug*
Made me think better of being so loyal to it, and to just make use of its services and let the inertia of the environment reassert itself. I dread coming back some weeks hence and finding that the indoor plants are once again returned to their prior sad state, and yet another mortality in the fishtank, but I should just let it go, and focus on cultivating things which are directly feeding me, like my relationships with my work-colleagues and my on home and it's untended garden and my body and it's poor but improving state of health. All I can really do apart from directly attending to the living things in that place is hope that someone noticed what I was doing and noticed the change it wrought but it is not a hope I should put great stock in.

I have now started a new brew, I overestimated the volume of the vat by 2 litres, then found the volume climbed another 6 litres or so when the sugar was added so I had to draw out 2 litres again before it would be safe for it to start fermenting. The froth at the top is fairly minimal, and the top of the fluid level is very near it but it's not coming out of the vapour lock. The rate of bubbling is quite intense and the sweet smell of fermenting apples fills the air around it.
I put 9 kilograms of brewing sugar into the brew, 2kg of dextrose and 7kg of 'brewers sugar' which is about half half corn sugar and sucrose. Last brew I included some honey and used brown sugar which I am not sure was good or not, the results of this next brew will show whether brown sugar is better or dextrose/maltodextrin/sucrose. In any case, the previous brew was about 60L and I put in 6 kilograms of sugar, the beverage which resulted was decent but to my estimation not much more than 5% alcohol/volume and I really want something with a bit more of a kick than that, so a brew with 50% more sugar should theoretically land me around the 7-8% mark that I desire.

I have decided to cease my efforts to contribute to the Clubhouse now, I am going to erase the sections of the wiki that I had started. I think I may cook up some kind of web based management application but I have to dream up a purpose for doing so.
I don't know if there is much hope of me actually finding members for the Monastic Order of Chaos, but perhaps I should work on developing the financial side of it, creating an accounting system as a web-based application, learning how the taxation rules actually work and what they entitle me to claiming.
I am also going to start saving money up now. Last two pays I have got I spent too much in one go. I did kinda need to do some of the spending, but much of it was unneccessary, things like credit for my phone, a white LED keychain lamp, and various other things which added up to me running short before I was paid again, and now again I have accidentally paid out too much into my mother's account and spent probably a little too much getting a brew running. I can't really rue this too badly, I'm not exactly in poverty anymore, things are better than they have been in a very long time.
However next pay I am not going to go and splash out on a skateboard as I was thinking about doing, I will let the money pile up until the pay after before I consider doing that. I'm going to have to shell out about 500 to really get equipped for skateboarding and tell the truth I have greater need at present for another three work outfits, a lighter pair of shoes and a nice set of 6 light white socks so the coming summer heat does not make me sweat overmuch.

Overall things are going well in my life at the moment. I am starting to become much more stable now and progress is really starting to happen.

Obsession

2006-10-02T23:15:00.000+10:00

Well, for some unknown reason I've spent the better part of the last 6 hours browsing neat techy gizmo websites, first I was dwelling on the subject of LED illumination (sadly there is not yet a bayonet fitting led light yet, although edison type with 110V is available) and then I kinda got stuck on long wave radio synchronising watches. Finally found one which looks like it might be somewhat useful where I live, for that matter virtually anywhere in the world... puzzles me why there isn't an international consortium for this, surely it can't take that much to run enough long wave time transmitters synchronised to gps time signals so that ordinary people don't have to set their clocks anymore... eeesh! well anyway, luckily it seems quite likely I am in decent range of one of them so a self-setting watch is definitely on my agenda.

Progress?

2006-10-01T22:00:00.000+10:00

Yesterday I decided to try using pseudoephedrine to unclog my mostly always at least somewhat clogged nostrils. It sure dried out the ol shnoz, but left my brain all scattery. I'm not sure what to make of that, I don't think that is terribly helpful. I wonder why it affects my concentration so much... it's certainly not mentioned in any side effect lists I've seen.

I've progressed with the wiki stuff somewhat, I have the beginnings of a table definition list for the database, I'm going to need to have a gander at the database at the clubhouse sometime and get a scope of the current state of affairs.

An old school friend visited today, haven't seen him in a while, as usual he just turned up unheralded. I'm kinda glad he's asperger cos it means he is only narrowly interested in me, his obsessions and mine are only marginally linked. I do try to be decent and all, but it still feels odd.

idiocy

2006-09-30T14:23:00.000+10:00

Fucking FUCKING bureaucracies.

Today I realised that I was supposed to put a fcuking form in to centrelink (welfare here in australia) and I hadn't even thought about it because of one of the centrelink officers telling me when I called, and when I visited, even, that I didn't have to do anything until monday (second of october).

*shrug*

So I'm gonna have to take a day off work to sort this out, because I had figured my finances upon my being paid monday morning and this is now not going to happen.

Pain in the ass bitch ass BITCHES! gah. Man, these people call themselves professional? I have a mental illness and I could organise this better, and organisation is my weak point. There goes $67 or whatever my 4 hours pay is worth.

I should have been on a pension anyway. Since putting in the application to be on a pension a year has now passed and it is highly unlikely that I'm going to be 100% ready to stand on my own two feet before another year passes. The condition which I did not fulfill that excluded me was the timeline of recovery. There is no way, from the time I applied, until the time after that specified (two years) as being the minimum prognosis.

But what am I going to do? Should I appeal this decision? Problem is, where am I going to find someone they consider qualified to make that assessment and fight for that?

I'm going to have a long chat with my support people about this. I have missed a day of this transitional employment (or to be exact, will have missed) only because I had to put in a stupid form which is an excess and external requirement of which taxes my capacity to continue my process of rehabilitation.

I FUCKING HATE THESE FUCKING PEOPLE!!! fucking cunts, fucking bitch ass bureaucratic inhuman meat-robots!

wiki

2006-09-29T20:49:00.000+10:00

http://mooc.no-ip.org

This is the MOoC wiki, which will be updated over time as I get the urge to do so. I have to develop a how-to guide on how to access the silc server, I think I should create a secondary page for the hidden tor service access points, but I'm not sure how to tell apache not to serve the pages other than to the localhost and thusly to the hidden service redirectors in the tor server. I'll get around to this as I go along.

I doubt anyone is actually reading this blog, but to be honest, that doesn't bother me, because this is my journal. I say things in here which are not particularly politic. I'm not really much chop for being politic in general. Generally speaking, in social situations, I am a total failure. I have the odd situation where I am valued but I have not yet refined my circles to ensure I circulate in such areas most of the time. I'm working on it though. There's no point in me trying to get involved with people who are not capable of seeing beyond the 'normal person' view of my way of communicating, which usually is misinterpreted as arrogant and authoritarian. I personally think that is because they can't understand me and can't therefore compose an adequate response and thus feel excluded socially from my field. Well, that just means I need to stick to people who actually understand me.

*shrug*

Life is never easy for the first generations of a new branch of the tree of life.

Back to SILC

2006-09-29T18:20:00.000+10:00

I have come to a decision that irc is an elitist chat format, and that only jabber and silc are actually aimed at humans who simply want to facilitate online text conversations and not some means to puff up their nerd egos. Silc doesn't have much in the way of troll-defense systems, nor does it have much in the way of oper control stuff... but what the hell, I don't seriously expect a huge number of people to join my silc server, I just want to run a private silc server providing for the monastic order of chaos and an international clubhouse chat community. I think I'd probably be correct in thinking that, at best, for every clubhouse there is one member or staff who would actually participate.

I seriously doubt that trolling will be an issue so I am gonna stick with silc. The silky client isn't the greatest but gaim can be used too, and being that most users will be on windows, this is fine, and also, there is a silc capable gaim that can be run directly from a removable storage device. I think all I will have to do is create a little web page explaining the ways of accessing the silc server and links to where to get them.

The aim of this exercise is simply to introduce the clubhouse community to wiki and instant messaging. Since I have discovered that there is at least one other geeky person at my clubhouse I think that there must be a good 20-30 people in the global clubhouse community who could form a hard core of globally linked chat/wiki users who can provide the geeky tech influence more cohesively to the clubhouse community, and provide an online social outlet which would otherwise leave clubhouse members with autistic tendencies on the margins without a social millieu to work with that is linked to the clubhouse.

I have no idea whether there is any real point to any of this but what the hell, this is what I am into, and I have sworn to once and for all leave my old chat haven and I still crave chat, so I am going to see if I can create or discover a group of people who are much more in line with my current state of progress. The entheogen/drug scene is not really where I belong, although these things are not entirely out of my life, I never did really fit with the social millieu surrounding it, the healing focus of the clubhouse community is much more in line with my way of thinking, as is the ad-hoc ways of organising action.

Networkd

2006-09-29T07:45:00.000+10:00

Finally starting to get some progress with my network services and configuration. Apache is now running and I finally have something on it - a mediawiki webapp. I've been struggling with irc configuration but I will eventually get it sorted out, and put a cgi:irc app on the webserver. First though I need to get SSL working on the webserver.

Learned a few useful things about tor - there is settings to stick to a specific exit node for sites which log out users when their ip address changes (eg, this one) and specific sites one can set a fixed exit node - i found this most useful for doing loop-back testing on my external accessibility of servers. if types in www.google.com.tornodename.exit (where tornodename is the name of the desired tor exit node) then one accesses google through that specific tor exit node. Sadly ip address based security is still commonly used and while this is the case tor users will have to use these things to not get shafted by these services. Sadly also this backwards attitude has resulted in many irc server networks blocking tor nodes (freenode used to permit it but now blocks tor, much to my disgust) because of stupid trolls whose technical capability lacks but tor permits them to escape ip based banning.

I don't understand why people don't just require some kind of authentication mechanism when they get trolling from tor exit nodes. Even wikipedia blocks editing and logging in from tor. Does it really make any difference if joe bloggs connects through tor to vandalise pages or through jap or from his own ip or for that matter from whichever internet cafe he happens to be nearby? ip addresses do not equal locations. even if they did, one cannot know simply by the 32 bit number whether it is the same person accessing.

*sigh*

I had a lot of trouble getting my networking behaving itself, but it's all functioning properly now. I tried to run the modem as a pppoe bridged connection but i couldn't get the pppoe connection working right and gave up, and in the process mangled a lot of my intranet computer's configurations... seems to be all fixed now.

silc: not good enough

2006-09-26T21:56:00.000+10:00

Sadly, SILC isn't really mature enough for general use by newbies... The windows silc pluging for gaim is ok but it doesn't deal with modes and stuff properly, the server doesn't have any proper methods for registering or operating services, and the clients other than that are either difficult to use for newbies (the irssi silc plugin) or very inadequate (silky)...

So I'm gonna have to bite the bullet and learn how to run a real ircd properly, unrealircd seems to be the most 'stable' according to gentoo portage devs, and anope, although unstable, actually compiles, and seems to be popular and supports unrealircd. I will also install the cgi irc client so there is a direct web-browser based irc client for those unwilling or unable to install an irc client.

It's a bit disappointing that silc is still so immature. *shrug* I'll most likely configure and get the irc server stuff running tomorrow, and maybe the cgi:irc thing as well.

Once the irc servers are up and running, the next step will be to get the wiki fully running, configure access control and then I can start editing it, create content, edit the skin, that sort of thing.

Once I get to that stage I will be able to start working towards finding users for the services. Maybe. I don't know what kind of reception this idea is going to get but I might as well give it a go.

I think that it is highly unlikely that there is less than 50 potential users of the IRC in the international clubhouse community, and once the early adopters start using it, it is only a matter of time before the rest of the community realises the potential for using it as a way to co-ordinate and organise action between clubhouses and for the clubhouse movement as a whole.

Service

2006-09-26T19:46:00.000+10:00

I'm not sure if I mentioned this, but I finally have got a decently functional connection (adsl2 standard, 12mbit down 1mbit up) which seems to be nice and stable, and a silc server running, and a web server with php and mysql capabilities.

I have half a mind to start working on developing some useful software for a LAMP system, specifically a database designed for storing and retreiving and analysing data for a support network system similar to the one used at the Clubhouse but incorporating features that have been poorly substituted for with direct queries and combining with other applications like spreadsheets to get useful data out of the database. I'm not sure what to start with... I think I should make a basic front page with information on linking to the chat server first, and probably install a wiki to spec up the database system with the help of anyone who is interested in participating. A wiki is probably the best solution to all of the functionality I am looking for in the website.

What I'm aiming at I don't really know, I guess I just want something meaningful to do that I have a direct interest and possibly may lead to application in the environment I envision it going into. My influence and several others at the Clubhouse is leading to changes in the IT infrastructure (Stepping Stone's server is being upgraded and security tightened up to allow better reliability of the computers and prevent and detect counter-productive activity on the computer systems). If I can mock up something along the lines of what I envision the clubhouse internet presence and database system should be, something which is designed to be open-ended so that it can be extended in the future by interested members and staff, and possibly it may help other clubhouses with a basic infrastructure that will have zero cost and minimal costs of maintaining basic usability.

Hi Ho, Hi Ho!

2006-09-26T19:30:00.000+10:00

Well, interestingly the money that disappeared from my bank account which I had assumed was a dishonour fee has magically reappeared. The reason for it is unknown, apart from the connection with the Moronic electric bill mentioned previously, and dishonour fees, twice now I have been completely unable to get internet banking working on it and I'm no fool... I already have a working one so why bother with something that's not co-operating.

Work was vaguely decent today. I am still not feeling 100% but with luck tomorrow morning I'll awaken to find a nice big fat several hundred dollars of pay in there and I'm visiting a supermarket or health food store asap to get a nice little stack of immune-building supplements and that should be the end of the sickness for good, because I'll at last be able to sustain the supply of the nutrients.

I suspect that the level of coffee imbibement I am routinely engaging in isn't terribly good for my kidneys...getting some odd aches and pains again, but the caffeine definitely helps, although it makes things more messy if there's not enough vitality available... again, should be fixed very soon.

I am definitely missing my online socialisation but I've had a gutful of the group I was associating with before. I have ideas of starting something new up connected with the Clubhouse... I have now at last got a silc server running, all that remains is setting up a little webpage explaining how to access the server (silky seems like the best option overall) - I may even make a custom installer for the program which has a default configuration which automatically connects... if that's possible, I'm not sure as yet, I can't see how automatic logins work on the linux version at this point.

Anyway, not much to report, once I'm on my nutrient supplement program I will definitely be reporting the effects.

Netcomm NB5 Nitwits! Plus Caffeine!

2006-09-25T18:29:00.000+10:00

Well, according to a chap who has been hacking the software inside the modem (it's based on a linux kernel 2.4.17) the problem with the modem is not overheating or bugs, it's inadequate memory. It only has the capacity to track 512 connections, and once they are full it refuses to open any more. I'm not sure if that is entirely 100% the case as if that were true then surely closing the programs would restore function, but perhaps when this buffer is full it just refuses to do anything at all with them. If this is correct there is only two things which would improve the situation, one, for netcomm to install a bit more memory by default and up the connection tracking limit, or to cut out as much fluff from the running software when it is on so that more space can be dedicated to actual modem functionality. *sigh*

I have started to again suffer from the leaky gut problem, sleepiness during the day and depression, lethargy and irritability, nowhere near as bad as I used to get but it was far enough below what I have become accustomed to, however, for the time being it is nothing that about 4 cups of espresso can't help.

I have become a bit belligerant in part to do with what I have realised about the emotional/psychic dynamics discussed in previous posts, and in part because I'm drinking so much coffee I think. It's reminding me a little of what happened when I was on ritalin, and I'm a little concerned that I will lose my subtlety too much in the process and end up causing a fight... Well, I know that caffeine messed with my head in the past, but at that time it was combined with emotional stress and cannabis. Hopefully caffeine is not the primary cause, I guess my continuing to use it as a substitute for proper medication will reveal whether this is the case or not.

It makes me want to do something about getting the other medication but I'm still really in no position to do that, however, I should think that is on the horizon, I have some ideas about how I'm going to do that... Down the track, perhaps, or perhaps not. It really depends. If I can cope with using the situation as it stands, I think I will stick with that. What concerns me the most is that I will experience the emotional exhaustion and irritability more frequently as I go along but it could just be a function of my digestive malfunction reasserting itself. If I do get worn down to breakdown level I'm gonna have to have a serious think about this because it's just not right, not right at all precious.

netcomm nb5 nsanity

2006-09-24T10:10:00.000+10:00

Well, I've been doing a bit more reading and it appears that the cause of my unstable internet connection is an overheating cpu on my modem/router. Oddly enough there is no 'warranty void if removed' stickers on the nice little phillips head screws holding the modem together so I've undone them and put the modem sans pretty white plastic casing in a position where it will get ample ambient air cooling.

Previously it has been dying within 12 hours of running continuously with fairly heavy loading, if I am able to get up tomorrow morning, turn on my monitor and still use the internet then the problem may be solved.

The cpu has no heatsink... Well, here's an opportunity to put another picture into my blog perhaps...

That little texas instruments chip pointed at in the picture is the little bastid thing. Not only does it have no heasink, the ventilation holes on the case are pretty minimal.

Fingers crossed this does the trick! If so, I think it might be worth my while figuring out how to have a heatsink on it, it's geeky cool to have open circuits (well, ok my computer's case is open too) but not so cool if there's dust everywhere in the house (well, fluff then, the cohabitant is a textile freak) and the circuit is sitting upright... Hopefully I won't need to add a heatsink or fan to the situation, time will tell.

Sexual Politics

2006-09-23T23:29:00.000+10:00

Something I had a bit of a chat with someone this afternoon I thought I should talk about in here. I don't know if other people notice this, but I frequently, inevitably find myself looking at the partially bared cleavage of some female, who clearly wants it seen, who responds to my interest with a scowl. What the fuck is up with that? If a woman doesn't want to engage in sexual acts with any random stranger, that's fair enough, but to put yourself on display and then put out psychic barbs at anyone fool enough to witness it, there's something quite pathological in that in my opinion.

Another thing I see most frequently on TV but sometimes in person is this surreal transposition of the focus of gestural expression from the face to the chest. Sometimes I look at these women and think their tits are looking at me, rather than their face.

One has to wonder whether these fools are actually even thinking about what they are doing. Perhaps the average person is so caught up in their own head-trip they don't even realise the violence and nastiness of their behavior - I don't think many people really realise how often they are putting psychic darts out at other people, but the way these women do it is quite amazing, they make sure that they are eye-catching and then reward their successful catching of an eye with a knife in the heart.

Maybe I should sometime just blithely ignore it and just fucking stare at the next set of barely clad breasts I encounter, and make the bitch feel the heat of my glare on what is clearly the unconscious or hidden centre of their consciousness.

Nutted Out

2006-09-23T22:44:00.000+10:00

Well, I spent the better part of today tweaking my Tor server settings and puzzling about a mysterious loss of internet that seems to happen to the modem. The Tor website talks about how Tor uses a lot of connection streams and this can push the limits of modems... It does occur to me that perhaps the modem is creaking under the weight of even my measly little Tor node's traffic, since it has to do NAT and thus must have to keep a track of all the open streams... I don't know... I suppose if I wake up tomorrow morning and again find that the modem has locked up then I'll have to quit trying to run a tor server and try and figure out wtf I'm gonna do with this 60gb/month quota I will have to pay 20 dollars to reduce if it is beyond my needs. Fingers crossed I don't have to worry about it and tomorrow I wake up and everything is functioning as it is supposed to be functioning.

I have been drinking a fair bit of commercial cider this last few days, and I swear that my homebrew cider wasn't making me feel as craply as I am feeling at the moment. I haven't been seriously irritable in ages until a couple of days ago and today again I'm getting very irritated. I'm keeping myself from cracking up but I can't help but feel that there's something toxic in those drinks which is making me irritable, some intestinal irritant or something which is letting the evil gluten peptides through the gate again... Sodium bisulphite is the main unwanted thing in there... maybe that's something that it does in the intestines, I know that sulphur dioxide, which is evolved from it (used to preserve the colour of dried apples and apricots) is a known lung irritant and can cause asthma attacks.

The moron, who I stupidly let rip me off in so many ways, has set me back a bit on my schedule to get back onto the zinc/ascorbic acid thing, but only by a few days, I will be getting a tidy $300 pay from the new job I'm doing on wednesday or thursday or something, top priority is the following set of supplements (with daily doses):

Zinc 45mg
Ascorbic Acid 2000mg
Magnesium 400mg
B complex (fairly high doses)
Omega 3 fatty acids (flax oil most likely)
Glutamine 2000mg

Of all the things I can waste my money on, these seem to be the most important, and of them, zinc is probably the achilles heel of my metabolic system, when I supplement it, my protein digestion improves and overall digestion improves as does my appetite. Once I am actually absorbing more from my food I get more energy and focus.

Hopefully once I'm finally on a routine program of dosing these supplements I will get further improvements although I'm still needing some kind of stimulant, at this point I have about 200-300mg of caffeine a day, which works ok but I'm not glad about the stress on my kidneys both from diuresis and uric acid formation. I need to get myself a good water bottle, one which doesn't grow fungi and get funky like the stupid Brita ones, and start drinking regularly. My workplace has a nice chilled water dispenser and it is a bit odd that I don't go to the toilet more than once a day, I really should be going a few times if I'm drinking enough water, otherwise my blood will definitely be dirtier than it ideally should be.

The End of an Error

2006-09-22T23:28:00.000+10:00

Well, that's that. End of an era, as they say. The last remnant of my connections to this stupid life I once had has now been utterly severed. Goodbye dearest Vanesa, may you fare well.

Ignorant people might say that I am being abandoned and shunned. But I say I am being told and heeding the message that it is time to move on and find a new place because I am not who I once was.

I can't honestly say I miss it. I have been wanting something new for a long time now but only recently I am prepared to work my arse off to get it... and here it is.

I love you all, I wish I could say I'll miss you all but then you never really missed me so it was kinda stupid of me anyway.

Peace Bitches!

Oh yes, some things never change. Elfspice, educating the willing but perhaps somewhat foolish folks who wished to extract DMT... He's still here, always will be... to elfspice, despite his local laws, knowing how to do something is not a crime, and will always inform as to the best ways to do such simple things as acid/base extractions to simple waxy freebase crystals. Or anything else, although if such things involve explosive chain reactions Elfspice will probably not inform as such informing generally leads to some kind of carnage or other and this is against his principles.

Other things? Well, the interest is still there but the experience of the local milieu has kinda cheesed him off. But then the local milieu had to ask Elfspice, they didn't bother googling for themselves, so screw them. Elfspice can find his own ways. Even if it costs him some of his health points for a period of time.

Caffeine is better than meth when meth is illegal. Caffeine is better than modafinil when it is ridiculously overpriced. Caffeine is better than dextro amphetamine when dextro amphetamine ruins ones' immune system. Caffeine is better than ritalin because it causes less socially unacceptable aggressive behavior.

Alcohol is better than valium because a doctor need not be consulted. Alcohol is better than GHB because it is illegal (well, sadly Elfspice knows nothing of GHB in firsthand experience). Alcohol and caffeine are better than meth and weed because meth and weed are illegal.

Elfspice will, as a rule, prefer legal and easily accessible over anything else, unless there is legal and not so easily accessible for those without neurological malfunctions like Elfspice's. Illegality throws the whole thing out of the window. Sad but true. Law > health. Look it up.

Women and Chatter

2006-09-22T22:24:00.001+10:00

I think I actually appended this to the previous entry, which i just deleted, but regardless, this is my online diary and I know I have at least one reader (you know who you are)...

Well, today and yesterday I had some strange interactions with some delightful females I spend quite a bit of time around. I had in my mind some inklings of an interest in both of these women, but while engaging with them in a more-or-less intimate situation, they both, unbidden, informed me of their being attached and thusly unavailable. One was in the process of moving into a house (share house mind you) with her boyfriend and the other casually announced she was a 'boring married woman'... I don't need to be told twice... the latter woman spent some time holding my hand as she dished out some lollies to me... dear me. I must say, as much as she is lovely I'm a bit concerned that she is sworn to a man and yet shows such strong signals to a man she is quite clearly getting a bit charged up about... That immediately puts me off because I don't want a strayer, nor do I wish to disrupt any other man's thing.

Pity is all I feel really.

It is nice to once again be in my power, my greatest talent being to endear myself and get under people's skin and have them confess their secrets to me. I don't know what is happening to me but it makes an awful lot of sense and I'm quite pleased it is happening.

I also get this feeling that I am starting to become interesting to the opposite sex, in a way that interests me... I think it's probably only a matter of time now before someone worthwhile turns up. Having the subtle indirect language messages females are prone to giving so clearly given to me about both interest and their inaccessibility tells me that the channels to female-kind are open. Which is good. About time. I think it's something to do with my unselfconscious self-expression which is starting to become my habit, which is mainly just the liberation from the selfconscious self-inhibition which has been a curse given to me by my father and then reinforced by all the 'normal' kids at school.

Now if only this damn ringworm would go away... and the dandruff... well it's pretty clear it's only a matter of time.

Oh yes, today also I got some pretty heavy 'go away' messages from the two people I was most 'close' to in my customary chatroom. I've decided that I'm not appreciated there anyway, never really have been, and once and for all I'm not going back. Ever. Goodbye to my fan there, I hope spring brings an ample harvest in your garden. Pass on my condolences at my permanent absence.

Oh yes, and a last note for the day, I have decided I am going to set up a silc server for the clubhouse community. Fortunately, perhaps, at least for me anyway, nobody has thought of setting up such a thing with irc, because I hate IRC, well, at least, setting up servers, and SILC is much nicer, although it lacks some of the features it surpasses IRC by being designed to be secured by asymmetrically encrypted end to end and the servers never see what the users are saying. Privacy is a right, not something to be given away to tyrannical 1984esque government ideologues. I say to anyone who wants to say 'if you haven't got anything to hide you have nothing to fear', well in that case, can I follow you around 24/7 with a team of camera operators and broadcast it live online, every pick of the nose, every shit in the toilet, every time you are in bed with your partner?

Anyway, I'm not saying I'm a voyeur, because I'm not, I prefer not to be in the same space as anyone engaging in private activities (even things like re-arranging one's tackle or picking ones nose), but then again I tolerate it, I just look away.

Ok, back to the story, I'm gonna set up a silc server and talk to my support people about promoting such a thing internationally so that there is an immediate online forum for those who are interested for their peers around the globe (ie, geek members).

Electric Moron Revisited

2006-09-22T17:40:00.000+10:00

Well, today I had a nasty shock when I was about to buy some zinc, vitamin c, kettle chips and bottled water this morning, my debit card declined the transaction. At first I was puzzled and then I figured out that it must have been because of yet another direct debit dishonour from the previously mentioned ridiculous electric bill which I was mostly not responsible for.

At first I was fuming. The moron responsible for this outrageous electric bill has repeatedly confessed many crimes, one in particular from some time ago which was a participation in an incident of homicide (disposing of bloodied clothes), and several other things of which some I was unlucky enough to be present to witness... it would be very easy for me to get revenge for all the wrongs I suffered but I thought a little longer and decided not to do anything.

I thought it through quite a bit. Why was it that he was, on one hand, confessing to me, and on the other, suspecting me of everything that went wrong, things like important identification documents and my keeping an eye on dangerous folk his guest brought to the house, a theft of a number of his trichocereus cactii (aka san pedro) and various other minor things. I felt like I was always walking on eggshells, or perhaps more accurately broken pieces of lightbulbs...

And when I put the two things together and realise that his unconscious intent was to lure me into a situation where he could cast his violent self-hatred onto someone else by sending the gangsters he talked about so much as being bad people to break my legs or worse, hurt someone close to me.

So that is that, I cast off any desire for retribution, I will put my faith in the obvious idea that evil does evil to itself and let fate take care of it. I am blameless except in my foolish permitting of another to abuse my trust because of my desperation for medication. I have learned my lesson and the lesson is that the people who abuse and leech should be given wide berth because they repay all kindness and communion with poison. The good people come when the bad people no longer are welcome.

Working Spice

2006-09-21T20:07:00.000+10:00

Well, I've been working now 4 hour shifts for 3 days at my transitional employment thing. Packing optometrist orders, cleaning a dental prosthetic lab and doing general data entry and filing stuff. Not exactly stimulating but I prefer boring to something which makes me feel inadequate, at most of these roles I feel like I am more than competent and that people appreciate my skill at these so-called tedious types of tasks. The optical lab stuff is easy but I discovered today that time slows down if one spends too much time talking. My TE placement helper people are all wonderful but I won't mind when I'm left to myself with it.

The electricity moron hasn't responded to my forwarding of the bill he mostly created. I was just being a drunken loony when I said he'd get what is coming to him, I can't be bothered. If he didn't take heed of the message about his absurd electrical consumption, then either he is an idiot or he's doing things that he lied to me that he wasn't into, either way, the more time goes by the more it seems obvious to me that my premonition of his death is accurate. You can't go around ignoring danger signals around you forever without ignoring a serious one. Or maybe you can. Either way, it offends my sense of balance and truth and I'd rather not watch this travesty. As Gandalf says well, 'Evil often mars evil' or something along those lines, in other words, bad things do bad things to themselves.

As for my liability on that bill, if they want to push it, I'll declare bankruptcy. I decided some time ago but now and then delude myself into thinking I should procure some imaginary money from some scumbag usurer and then I remind myself that it's all bullshit... so sue away dearest utility retail company.

As I am now earning a bit more money, I've been pondering what I will do with it. At this point I have decided that my priority is to get a press to squish apple cider out, probably some socks and shoes and second-hand office wear, and the rest is staying in the bank, I want a decent capacity mp3 playing mobile phone.

On my commutes to my rehab place and to my new job I've been reading The Lord of the Rings and I am amazed that I put off reading it for so many years, although it's not gripping me like books used to when I was younger, I really enjoy the diversion from the icky smells and sounds of public transport, and the more I read the less I am impressed with the cinematic version, and this has got me thinking a lot about the business of cinema vs prose, and I have concluded that the former is piss weak compared to the latter, hands down. Reading is going to become again my favourite activity when I'm not busy trying to learn something or do something practical with a computer or my body.

I'm also going to get myself training in Wing Chun Kung Fu (here's the school I'm gonna go to's website: ) ... oh my, how did I miss this before! no, bugger that wing chun, good as it is, is not Ba Gua Zhang http://www.brisbanekungfu.com/ W00T W00T W00T!

Well, once again the story unfolds in the telling. No wonder I like telling things so much, when so often the process leads me to something new and better.

Well, I've emailed the sifu and hopefully he'll tell me where I can go learn to fight like a whirlwind against multiple assailants :)

Electric Moron

2006-09-16T08:32:00.000+10:00

Yesterday I received the most insane electrical bill I have ever seen. AUD$323 for 56 days. In that sort of time scale I have never accrued more than 50 except when I had a HID running and that put it up to 80. It was of course nothing to do with me, except for a tiny bit, I'm not gonna pay it, I sent it to the person who used the power and I'm waiting to see what he does in response. At this point in time I expect belligerance and I will make sure the bastard gets what's coming to him if chooses stupidity.

Bemused

2006-09-15T23:25:00.000+10:00

Well, although someone close to me quoted from this blog, it appears that they are keeping the address secret. Or possibly they don't know it and I quoted myself somewhere. Funny shit.

Anyway. Hidden services are now up apparently. I configged everything and supposedly the hidden services are working, i better get some addresses to post here. I'm not posting any real ones. I run a tor server. My hidden services are just that, hidden. The obvious ones... well I am seriously... ok fuck it, fuck you if you don't want to use tor *goes and turns off port forwards.

haha bitches :)

Becalmed

2006-09-15T20:19:00.000+10:00

Well, despite my outburst I have not been cast out so I think I can assume that everything's cool with the chat.

Server is back online, the attacker has tried again unsuccessfully and hopefully this is the end of this obviously RIAA/MPAA funded vandal fucking with a tiny little chat server.

I am feeling good now, everything is starting to really look like it's converging towards a new stability, something I've never experienced in my life before. I have work, I have an 'extended family' (the clubhouse) who I am so happy.

I am considering relocating overseas. Mainly because I can get the proper medication in other countries where I cannot get it here. I have also, as blogged in previous posts, got something of an interest in a lovely woman from slovenia. Well, whatever happens, happens.

I have now got a web server and ircd running, the ircd has ssl enabled via stunnel, the router has only got port forwards for the ssl versions of both, and I have also set up hidden services, for which I will sadly have to restart my tor server and again withdraw my service to the community for a short time.

I have been wanting to be able to run both of these things and most especially within the construct of the tor hidden service, for quite some time now, it is a joy to be able to say I now have a connection more that capable of doing it, my upstream bandwidth is about 800kbit/s and that is plenty with a minimal tor server at 160kbit/s.

Now to start putting something interesting to people on it :)

down and out in the magick kingdom

2006-09-15T03:38:00.000+10:00

I decided to go back to my old irc server, which was back up apparently, and not long ago it's down again, and I'm having some inane conversation with some, well to be honest i don't know if its a bot


Nitr0x actually not about a bot 
elfspice not a bot, or not about a bot
elfspice what's going on
elfspice do you realise who you are hurting here
Nitr0x fucker got nerve to comment about illegal shit while u r running warez site
elfspice nitro hardly even fucking talks on this server
elfspice me running wares site?
elfspice no, that's not me
Nitr0x and fucking around with rest of bots
elfspice um
Nitr0x www.torrentsportal.com

This idiot must be ... drunk? or something? cos that is a misspelling.

Seems to me like it's got hooked up in some anti-pirate maniac botnet. pwned. as they say.

Well, my irc server is working. *shrug* i don't plan on it being down any time soon. The other server is clearly being hacked by its DNS name. My dns name is new as of today. I can make many more dns names via wildcards. I suspect that it would take at least a week for an attack to appear that would work on mine... if they were actually a human hacker and not some script. That transcript read like a human-bot interaction or my name is Turing.

idling

2006-09-15T01:33:00.000+10:00

Chromanova Psytrance Radio

pwning psytrance. OK in my definition if I have heard it before, it is not pwning. Well, at the time of posting, this channel is not playing something I have heard. Some other channel was. So I switched.

Well, today was interesting. My mother visited my mental health rehab place and amazingly it didn't do my head in. In fact I was rather pleased.

I'm rather short on something insightful today. Oh wait, who said I wrote anything insightful before HAHAHA.

Did I mention that my clubhouse has got me some decent work? The dental lab looks especially cool, but the whole thing is not intended to require qualifications, which suits me for now. And probably for the future, as I have zero qualifications except these pesky ones in multimedia IT.

Anyway, just want to pimp my rehab place cos they pwn: Stepping Stone Clubhouse and if you think that means you can figure out who I am, good luck. Ever heard of this thing called 'confidentiality?' oh wait, isn't that the same shit as 'privacy'... something that people are presently being duped into giving away. Well Not Me.

Short of a warrant neither is my Clubhouse.

Ok, what else is interesting to me right now? Humz. My customary IRC server is back online at last. I have got a webserver, tor server and irc server running on my machine now but I'm too drunken to do anything useful beyond getting them working.

I'm not much in a mood to bitch. Life is good. But life is only half the story so I probably am stating an obvious fact.

*grins maniacally*

war on error

2006-09-13T15:54:00.000+10:00

More americans have died in the iraq war than in 9/11

I have long objected to the, to me, obvious exploitation of the terrorism meme as a means to controlling public opinion. To me this ends the debate about who is right. George Walker Bush has now officially sanctioned the death of more americans than the terrorists he used to justify this war killed.

One of the key objections which I found a cogent enumeration of was simply this: Terrorism has not become more common (check out Bruce Scheneier's research on this, and if you want to disagree do your own damn research), only accusations have become more common. The other thing that supports this is that terrorism is specifically intended to be an emotional attack on a nation or group of people in order to manipulate them through fear, then promoting the insecurity as a proper response to being terrorised is being one and the same with the goals of the terrorists.

If someone is intentionally trying to make you scared so they will agree with you, they are a terrorist. The very basis of the terroism doctrine is that. Scare people so they will accept you. It's not all that different from the tactics, i'd say identical, of despotic dictators.

I would like to analogise this situation to the techniques that are used by abusers. I personally was the victim of, mainly emotional, abuse, by my father. I know well the methods they use and to be honest I see it happening all the time, in the name of 'politics' and 'social order'. I have become so angry about this, depending on my current state of neurochemical alteration, that although I seem to prefer to walk away calmly from any attempts to abuse me in any way, if I were pushed into a corner I would fight to the death tooth and nail and fucking DIE rather than be abused again.

Reflective

2006-09-13T15:08:00.000+10:00

Well, here I am, exactly 2 years from the last post of my previous blogging.

I'm not sure that anyone even reads my crazy musings, I find it amusing to think that geeks have invented a way to keep a diary specifically so anyone who is interested to read it can read it. Well, what the hell, I have a voice, and an opinion, like every arsehole, but hey, I've not found any help in my life by keeping my expressions to myself.

Well, the biggest news, personally, is that the woman pictured at the top left of this paragraph has reappeared in my life. I have been almost 12 months now obsessed with her. I have now within my grasp the power to finally meet her in person, and as I consider my options increasingly the idea of putting all of my money earned in the new job (more in a bit) into an account specifically set aside to put together a fund to satisfy a lingering and irritatingly strong urge to finally find out once and for all whether it is just obsession or there is a reason for this craziness...

Ok, so to clarify how this recent potential influx of funds has occurred, I have been going to a mental health rehabilitation place doing volunteer work helping with the administration of the organisation (the principle it works on is that staff and members are equal with the staff being responsible for organising and covering for members when they are unable to work due to their illness). One of the things this place does is create positions in workplaces that they cover for if the member who has been assigned to the position is too unwell to work. I have now been chosen to work in such a position, doing cleaning work in a couple of laboratories and working with clerical/database/spreadsheet type stuff. The pay is good and I get 20 hours a week, and all the support I need, and if I can't hack it, I can back out without any of the kind of repercussions one gets from such a backtracking in an independent position.

The money is good, nearly 400 a week before tax is how much I will get. It will only be a matter of a few months before I will have enough to just migrate. I have a passport in a european country and if I were to dedicate this work to enabling me to migrate there, by the end of the 6 month assignment I would have no trouble moving and finding some place to settle.

There is only one caveat - I cannot get proper medication here. I have already successfully achieved more than 20 hours a week doing volunteer work in the office at the rehab place, so I can't see any reason why I should not be able to stick out the 6 months. So this is going to be my way out.

I really don't know what the future holds for me and the woman mentioned above, but I do know that a time spent in europe is not such a stupid idea for me because I know that there will probably be, if not in the nation I am a citizen, then somewhere else, laws that permit the prescription of my proper medications and from that point on things change dramatically for me.

OMG spooky!

2006-09-11T06:03:00.000+10:00

Whoa, look at the dates here. Three days short of precisely two years between my last post 'leaving' and 'back!'

Histamine and Dopamine

2006-09-11T05:48:00.000+10:00

I have recently, as I talked about in a previous post, just come out of a period of intensive alcohol imbimement, and I had a day or two off and again last night I got nicely plastered.

One odd thing I've been noticing while drinking my homebrew cider is that I frequently wake up feeling extremely hot. I've also noticed that I am more assertive and, to some degree, more co-ordinated than normal.

The heating effect immediately made me think there must be a hystamine agonism going on somewhere in the chemistry of this brew, and then I remembered that yeast residues are well known to be high in tyramine.

Tyramine is quite well established as a dangerous dopamine agonist, in excessive doses it can cause cardiac arrest and stroke. However, in mild doses it has nontrivial similarity to methamphetamine, and the changes in my behavior and mental processing support this hypothesis.

I wish that it wasn't reminding me of the fact I cannot acquire, legally, methamphetamine to medicate myself, I would need to have some help with ensuring I use it properly, but after about a week the habit of only using it therapeutically is self-reinforcing, my previous experience tells me.

In any case, for the time being this means that although I am getting some issues with other effects of the mixture, I will continue to drink my brew, things are changing in my life in a positive way. I just hope I am not risking causing some kind of cardiovascular disaster.

In an aside, I was also thinking about how tyramine plays a role in alcohol intoxication in general. It is formed as a freebase and dissolves in sugars and alcohol. It is more than likely that various spirits contain varying quantities of this amine, this may be the source of the reputation of certain drinks, particularly whiskey, to cause violent behavior. There may be other decarboxylated amino acids which add effects as well, such as phenethylamine, and who knows what else.

Politics

2006-09-10T21:34:00.000+10:00

I had a fun day today ;)

I spent a lot of time working out how to set up an irc server on my windows xp machine. i finally got it working and posted the dyndns address i was using on the forum relevant to the chat room which was presently discussing that the chat server had died. I got a nontrivial vote of confidence from a number of the chatters who had bothered to migrate to a temporary freenode hosted room. The reason for this work was that freenode doesn't allow private messaging without registering a nick (a minor convenience but an impediment to the less savvy of users, and an annoyance to the more savvy), and disallowing the use of the tor proxy system to connect, which mainly bothered me, because I don't think that anyone should know who anyone is, if they cannot determine identity by algorithmic or intuitive textual analysis.

Anyway, I was fool enough to get myself hooked up with an aging member of this chat community some time ago, and it was a continual war between her and I about what I was allowed to disclose even though it was my business, my presence there and my being subject to her behavior made her in her domain, and I now, and still do, think this an offense on my freedom. The woman in question made a pretense of caring about freedom but most of her actions in this arena made it pretty clear that she was more interested in suppressing expression than fostering it.

In any case, I think that I left a decently effective sting in the group. I personally felt from the time she started to personally offend my freedom of expression she made herself my enemy. I managed to slink away, with her grace, at the time, but i could have been abandoned on the streets of a foreign city if I had not been able to argue that it was her responsibility if she felt i was not welcome to give me what it took to send me away. A long story, I know, but it has come back to mind after she has bustled her way into my world again, and to be honest, she has dominated, unreasonably, a group of younger, mostly males, and her judgement of loyal and committed people has been completely wrong as it has been 5 days since the server went down and we are still orphaned in an ugly and mean irc world, away from our familiar and safe home where nobody else seemed to think us worthy of harrassment and thus left us happy and peaceful.

After all this I am again feeling averse to rejoining this group, but I console myself by reminding myself that I am not far from finally implementing many plans I have dreamed up this last 6 years and I am quite sure that the ground is ripe for the kind of thing I have been dreaming up, and when I come to implement it I will have a truly loyal group of equals who will not get hoity toity about such stupid things as a non-royally-designated administrator being appointed to the task of providing critical services to the little community which I percieve emerging around me.

Back!

2006-09-10T10:07:00.000+10:00

Well, I am back from my holiday at last. I am quite averse to the implied pretense of the blogosphere but I've decided, what the hell, someone commented on it today and now I feel like I have an audience to please.

I have, in the last 6 months or so, started to recover my health. A friend put me onto a document called 'Managing Autism' written by some dutch person, and in it I learned a lot about the role of the immune system in creating mental disorder. is the document for anyone who is interested.

Basically what has really kicked the process of healing on was zinc supplementation. I basically have a genetic predisposition to develop a serious problem with my digestion of proteins, and developing 'leaky gut' which is caused by a loss of glutamine in the intestinal membrane. Glutamine itself, as a pure amino acid can help this, but zinc increases the production of two critical protein metabolism enzymes, the enzyme which produces hydrochloric acid in the stomach and the enzyme secretin in the intestines, which cleaves peptide bonds. Increasing zinc and eating a lot more protein is basically all I have done. My concentration and motivation have improved, I am more sociable, my libido is increasing.

A minor speedbump in the road of late has been some heavy drinking. I brewed up a 60L vat of extra strong cider which I estimate is about 7% alcohol. Between drinking 2L a night for two weeks, and the problem that I've been having with overpriming, this has involved an excessive amount of ingestion of yeast which obviously disrupts the healthy metabolism of the intestine, stresses the liver, and depletes glutamine levels. I am now starting to recover but for 48 hours I have been suffering unpleasant symptoms I presume to be what they call delerium tremens, unsteadiness and tremors, hallucinations and confusion. I have decided I have to keep my drinking under control as this is extremely unpleasant.

I was doing it because alcohol disinhibits me while drunk, and when I am recovering the next day, although for the morning I am usually a bit 'funny', I feel more assertive and resolved. I wish there was something I could get which did this but didn't do all the other things but I will bear with it for the time being.

I have started developing a universe for a series of fiction stories that I intend to write, based on a merging of the chinese 5 element system (which is symbolically summed up by a pentagram) and the yggdrasil 9 point 'world tree' (link to a site which explains it) - what I have got so far is the 5 'horizontal' nodes of the tree are correlated to the chinese 5 elements and this defines 5 basic classes of life form, and their relationships with the other 4 types of life forms, light spirits and dark spirits, who eternally battle to increase life or increase death, respectively, and the two higher points, asgard and hel, are merged into a single dual-faceted entity called 'Chaos' which is essentially just the whole universe. This I am combining with a physics hypothesis I have been developing for the last 6 years to generate a system in which I can randomly chose patterns out of the system to define a conflict, and then plot a path from the conflict to the resolution and rebalancing of the system.

I have always been muddled up in my attempts to write because I just want to write but without a plot or plan it gets irritatingly directionless. I intend to make this story universe internally consistent, as I write more stories they will be put into a time-and-space map and links between stories will be used to generate elements of the stories. I will use hypertext to enable me to do this most likely. I will publish the book with Creative Commons license with free distribution and non-commercial derivatives permitted. If the system works well I'll end up having a swarm of geeky authors writing their own work based within the universe and I will add their stories to my hypertextual time/space map.

leaving

2004-09-13T15:08:00.000+10:00

i think it's time that i went on a very long holiday

google is creepy

2004-09-13T14:44:00.000+10:00

http://gmail-is-too-creepy.com/

The name says it all

Do NOT use this service if you respect your privacy. In a very real way it is like saying it's ok for someone to bug your house or tap your phone. They say no-one sees it but they are logging all the data in the adsense program and once its in there for 180 days a US law enforcement official can subpoena it, which means it's a lot easier. The use of gmail along with google search engine results in you being indexed with the keywords list from your emails and other people who email you's emails.

I am going to run my own email server from now on, the situation with email is totally unacceptable. I also will keep at pestering my friends to get encryption for their im and irc and email as well.

Google... Just another bunch of corporate blood suckers, giving tribute to the greatest bloodsuckers of all, the imperialist and expansionist united states. So they can silence their opposition. Like Henry VIII and all those people beheaded for treason... What is treason? Disagreeing with the despot. Well unfortunately most people won't act on their behalf at least where i live, but the economic divide they are fomenting is going to make things very nasty.

Too bad they picked the internet as their battlefield. The internet is too fast for their mediaeval minds. They don't realise how fast things can change now.

I don't plan on having nowhere to run when the ship is sinking.

ADHD - medication is the most important first line of treatment

2004-09-07T19:46:00.000+10:00

"Emerging data suggest that medication using systematic titration and intensive monitoring methods over a period of approximately 1 year is superior to an intensive set of behavioral treatments on core ADHD symptoms (inattention, hyperactivity/impulsivity, aggression). Combined medication and behavioral treatment added little advantage overall, over medication alone, but combined treatment did result in more improved social skills, and parents and teachers judged this treatment more favorably. Both systematically applied medication (monitored regularly) and combined treatment were superior to routine community care, which often involved the use of stimulants. An important potential advantage for behavioral treatment is the possibility of improving functioning with reduced dose of stimulants. This possibility was not tested."
http://consensus.nih.gov/cons/110/110_statement.htm

Today at last I am on the road to something. My girlfriend called my doctor today and we are going to see him the day after tomorrow. He said that there is two alternatives to ritalin 20 SR, concerta and dexamphetamine. I am fairly sure I am allergic to methylphenidate as while I used it I developed a dry skin thing on my face which is almost gone now. The ritalin also had a host of other side effects, muscle tension, headaches - which seemed to be somehow be akin to cheese effect as alcohol, but particularly beer and red wine. Besides this, concerta is absurdly expensive and although I can have it paid for by welfare... WHAT A WASTE OF TAXPAYERS MONEY and besides I don't believe it was or could do any more good than harm, the depression and irritability of the comedown almost outweighed... and I don't want to be taking something that I am allergic to. And this business about not prescribing a 'drug of abuse'... wtf is up with that? If my use exceeds normal levels I either have to go without or make my doctor aware that I am consuming it too fast. An attitude I have encountered with several mental health people since I became aware that it was likely that ADHD was the cause of my suffering.

An attitude, which as it clearly states up above, that medication makes up the major component of effective treatment. I am in no way averse to psychological and behavioral treatment but this paragraph above makes it clear that the current state of medical thinking is that no treatment can expect to have success if medication is not part of the initial stages of treatment.

Only two sleeps, and the show is on the road at long last!

breaking down

2004-09-06T18:37:00.000+10:00

Today I exploded.

When I woke up in the morning, I was fuming. I was almost pacing around when I got up, my situation, my personal internal turmoil is at boiling point. I have realised that I have always been endlessly restless, and that, when I'm not getting any of the things that turn me on and make me pay attention, I become restless and frustrated.

This was never a problem for me before but now I am in situation where I have absolutely no income whatsoever and my girlfriend is supporting me and my inability to pursue paths of resolution of this has resulted in a situation where I can't choose to do a number of my favourite activities, namely organic chemistry and computer programming. Programming, I have access to this computer and it is nice and fast, but with my perpetual survival anxiety at the front of my mind, and having to manage sharing the computer with my girlfriend's 17 year old, between all those things my mind hasn't got much time to do creative stuff.

Today I smashed a glass on the loungeroom floor, and then two wooden chairs me and my girlfriend bought the day before in the kitchen, and made such a racket that the police were called by the neighbours.

I knew from the beginning of the day that I was going to crack if something didn't change.

If I were in control of my treatment I would be giving myself some kind of amphetamine and a kitten and help to manage my money, and some money to manage, I would tell myself to spend a few months just chilling out and doing what takes my fancy, and weekly chats with someone to help me work out the best way to start living my life at last. I have dreams of developing novel machines which tap previously untapped forces, space travel, building buildings and communities and producing artwork; spending time with my friends and family, practising magick, and writing.

I guess I'm starting with that in a way. For now I will write to reflect as I haven't got anything else to write about anyway.

I'm putting my thoughts here in this public place because I'm useless at organising my stuff and I hate paper and my computer can be reformatted at any moment and I can forget to back it up. I am going to be particularly candid but not verbose as I am a very straight up wysiwyg kind of person (I sometimes feel that devious people are threatened by me because I am inquisitive and intensely dislike anything involving one person profiting at another's expense)

Enough for today.

blogging on

2004-09-05T12:47:00.000+10:00

My first blog entry... (since last time)...

My plan is to write something near the end of each day that sums up my day's experiences.

Right now i'm a bit spent.... *pours another glass of homebrew* hope I don't get tyramine headache from it. Recently i abruptly stopped using ritalin 20 SR as it has long been giving me problems. Too high, too low... the dosing has been a bitch...

One day I will find a way to medicate myself, drugs and diet etc, and I will cast this nasty experience with psychiatric medicine into the dungeon of past unpleasantnesses.

I read an article today about adrenal problems, and it introduced this concept of over-adaptation to danger. In a nutshell this means developing mental and physical and emotional postures in response to threats one is unable to eliminate (due usually to being a baby at the time). For me this means that i feel at my best in extreme stress conditions. Low stress leaves me spinning my wheels. Amphetamines elevate my physical natural threat responses making me feel more ready to deal with everyday.

In simple terms, my "normal" consciousness state is in a permanent state of high alert, even when things are completely safe and relaxed. Thus, normal tasks end up on the low priority list consistently. In other words most of the time when I am awake I am ready to act in an emergency all the time. Emergencies are rare, but my unconscious reaction in all situations is of high alert and readiness. The emergencies rarely eventuate but the exhaustion of this high alert state is constant and endless. It affects everything. Imagine when you are having sex with a beautiful person, and you should be absorbed. But instead my mind seems to be insistant on drawing my attention to EVERY stimuli. That aspect is one of the most frustrating. This problem has caused me to have an eating disorder too... can't eat in an emergency...