leaving

i think it's time that i went on a very long holiday

google is creepy

http://gmail-is-too-creepy.com/

The name says it all

Do NOT use this service if you respect your privacy. In a very real way it is like saying it's ok for someone to bug your house or tap your phone. They say no-one sees it but they are logging all the data in the adsense program and once its in there for 180 days a US law enforcement official can subpoena it, which means it's a lot easier. The use of gmail along with google search engine results in you being indexed with the keywords list from your emails and other people who email you's emails.

I am going to run my own email server from now on, the situation with email is totally unacceptable. I also will keep at pestering my friends to get encryption for their im and irc and email as well.

Google... Just another bunch of corporate blood suckers, giving tribute to the greatest bloodsuckers of all, the imperialist and expansionist united states. So they can silence their opposition. Like Henry VIII and all those people beheaded for treason... What is treason? Disagreeing with the despot. Well unfortunately most people won't act on their behalf at least where i live, but the economic divide they are fomenting is going to make things very nasty.

Too bad they picked the internet as their battlefield. The internet is too fast for their mediaeval minds. They don't realise how fast things can change now.

I don't plan on having nowhere to run when the ship is sinking.

ADHD - medication is the most important first line of treatment

"Emerging data suggest that medication using systematic titration and intensive monitoring methods over a period of approximately 1 year is superior to an intensive set of behavioral treatments on core ADHD symptoms (inattention, hyperactivity/impulsivity, aggression). Combined medication and behavioral treatment added little advantage overall, over medication alone, but combined treatment did result in more improved social skills, and parents and teachers judged this treatment more favorably. Both systematically applied medication (monitored regularly) and combined treatment were superior to routine community care, which often involved the use of stimulants. An important potential advantage for behavioral treatment is the possibility of improving functioning with reduced dose of stimulants. This possibility was not tested."
http://consensus.nih.gov/cons/110/110_statement.htm

Today at last I am on the road to something. My girlfriend called my doctor today and we are going to see him the day after tomorrow. He said that there is two alternatives to ritalin 20 SR, concerta and dexamphetamine. I am fairly sure I am allergic to methylphenidate as while I used it I developed a dry skin thing on my face which is almost gone now. The ritalin also had a host of other side effects, muscle tension, headaches - which seemed to be somehow be akin to cheese effect as alcohol, but particularly beer and red wine. Besides this, concerta is absurdly expensive and although I can have it paid for by welfare... WHAT A WASTE OF TAXPAYERS MONEY and besides I don't believe it was or could do any more good than harm, the depression and irritability of the comedown almost outweighed... and I don't want to be taking something that I am allergic to. And this business about not prescribing a 'drug of abuse'... wtf is up with that? If my use exceeds normal levels I either have to go without or make my doctor aware that I am consuming it too fast. An attitude I have encountered with several mental health people since I became aware that it was likely that ADHD was the cause of my suffering.

An attitude, which as it clearly states up above, that medication makes up the major component of effective treatment. I am in no way averse to psychological and behavioral treatment but this paragraph above makes it clear that the current state of medical thinking is that no treatment can expect to have success if medication is not part of the initial stages of treatment.

Only two sleeps, and the show is on the road at long last!

breaking down

Today I exploded.

When I woke up in the morning, I was fuming. I was almost pacing around when I got up, my situation, my personal internal turmoil is at boiling point. I have realised that I have always been endlessly restless, and that, when I'm not getting any of the things that turn me on and make me pay attention, I become restless and frustrated.

This was never a problem for me before but now I am in situation where I have absolutely no income whatsoever and my girlfriend is supporting me and my inability to pursue paths of resolution of this has resulted in a situation where I can't choose to do a number of my favourite activities, namely organic chemistry and computer programming. Programming, I have access to this computer and it is nice and fast, but with my perpetual survival anxiety at the front of my mind, and having to manage sharing the computer with my girlfriend's 17 year old, between all those things my mind hasn't got much time to do creative stuff.

Today I smashed a glass on the loungeroom floor, and then two wooden chairs me and my girlfriend bought the day before in the kitchen, and made such a racket that the police were called by the neighbours.

I knew from the beginning of the day that I was going to crack if something didn't change.

If I were in control of my treatment I would be giving myself some kind of amphetamine and a kitten and help to manage my money, and some money to manage, I would tell myself to spend a few months just chilling out and doing what takes my fancy, and weekly chats with someone to help me work out the best way to start living my life at last. I have dreams of developing novel machines which tap previously untapped forces, space travel, building buildings and communities and producing artwork; spending time with my friends and family, practising magick, and writing.

I guess I'm starting with that in a way. For now I will write to reflect as I haven't got anything else to write about anyway.


I'm putting my thoughts here in this public place because I'm useless at organising my stuff and I hate paper and my computer can be reformatted at any moment and I can forget to back it up. I am going to be particularly candid but not verbose as I am a very straight up wysiwyg kind of person (I sometimes feel that devious people are threatened by me because I am inquisitive and intensely dislike anything involving one person profiting at another's expense)

Enough for today.

blogging on

My first blog entry... (since last time)...

My plan is to write something near the end of each day that sums up my day's experiences.

Right now i'm a bit spent.... *pours another glass of homebrew* hope I don't get tyramine headache from it. Recently i abruptly stopped using ritalin 20 SR as it has long been giving me problems. Too high, too low... the dosing has been a bitch...

One day I will find a way to medicate myself, drugs and diet etc, and I will cast this nasty experience with psychiatric medicine into the dungeon of past unpleasantnesses.

I read an article today about adrenal problems, and it introduced this concept of over-adaptation to danger. In a nutshell this means developing mental and physical and emotional postures in response to threats one is unable to eliminate (due usually to being a baby at the time). For me this means that i feel at my best in extreme stress conditions. Low stress leaves me spinning my wheels. Amphetamines elevate my physical natural threat responses making me feel more ready to deal with everyday.

In simple terms, my "normal" consciousness state is in a permanent state of high alert, even when things are completely safe and relaxed. Thus, normal tasks end up on the low priority list consistently. In other words most of the time when I am awake I am ready to act in an emergency all the time. Emergencies are rare, but my unconscious reaction in all situations is of high alert and readiness. The emergencies rarely eventuate but the exhaustion of this high alert state is constant and endless. It affects everything. Imagine when you are having sex with a beautiful person, and you should be absorbed. But instead my mind seems to be insistant on drawing my attention to EVERY stimuli. That aspect is one of the most frustrating. This problem has caused me to have an eating disorder too... can't eat in an emergency...