breaking down
Today I exploded.
When I woke up in the morning, I was fuming. I was almost pacing around when I got up, my situation, my personal internal turmoil is at boiling point. I have realised that I have always been endlessly restless, and that, when I'm not getting any of the things that turn me on and make me pay attention, I become restless and frustrated.
This was never a problem for me before but now I am in situation where I have absolutely no income whatsoever and my girlfriend is supporting me and my inability to pursue paths of resolution of this has resulted in a situation where I can't choose to do a number of my favourite activities, namely organic chemistry and computer programming. Programming, I have access to this computer and it is nice and fast, but with my perpetual survival anxiety at the front of my mind, and having to manage sharing the computer with my girlfriend's 17 year old, between all those things my mind hasn't got much time to do creative stuff.
Today I smashed a glass on the loungeroom floor, and then two wooden chairs me and my girlfriend bought the day before in the kitchen, and made such a racket that the police were called by the neighbours.
I knew from the beginning of the day that I was going to crack if something didn't change.
If I were in control of my treatment I would be giving myself some kind of amphetamine and a kitten and help to manage my money, and some money to manage, I would tell myself to spend a few months just chilling out and doing what takes my fancy, and weekly chats with someone to help me work out the best way to start living my life at last. I have dreams of developing novel machines which tap previously untapped forces, space travel, building buildings and communities and producing artwork; spending time with my friends and family, practising magick, and writing.
I guess I'm starting with that in a way. For now I will write to reflect as I haven't got anything else to write about anyway.
I'm putting my thoughts here in this public place because I'm useless at organising my stuff and I hate paper and my computer can be reformatted at any moment and I can forget to back it up. I am going to be particularly candid but not verbose as I am a very straight up wysiwyg kind of person (I sometimes feel that devious people are threatened by me because I am inquisitive and intensely dislike anything involving one person profiting at another's expense)
Enough for today.
When I woke up in the morning, I was fuming. I was almost pacing around when I got up, my situation, my personal internal turmoil is at boiling point. I have realised that I have always been endlessly restless, and that, when I'm not getting any of the things that turn me on and make me pay attention, I become restless and frustrated.
This was never a problem for me before but now I am in situation where I have absolutely no income whatsoever and my girlfriend is supporting me and my inability to pursue paths of resolution of this has resulted in a situation where I can't choose to do a number of my favourite activities, namely organic chemistry and computer programming. Programming, I have access to this computer and it is nice and fast, but with my perpetual survival anxiety at the front of my mind, and having to manage sharing the computer with my girlfriend's 17 year old, between all those things my mind hasn't got much time to do creative stuff.
Today I smashed a glass on the loungeroom floor, and then two wooden chairs me and my girlfriend bought the day before in the kitchen, and made such a racket that the police were called by the neighbours.
I knew from the beginning of the day that I was going to crack if something didn't change.
If I were in control of my treatment I would be giving myself some kind of amphetamine and a kitten and help to manage my money, and some money to manage, I would tell myself to spend a few months just chilling out and doing what takes my fancy, and weekly chats with someone to help me work out the best way to start living my life at last. I have dreams of developing novel machines which tap previously untapped forces, space travel, building buildings and communities and producing artwork; spending time with my friends and family, practising magick, and writing.
I guess I'm starting with that in a way. For now I will write to reflect as I haven't got anything else to write about anyway.
I'm putting my thoughts here in this public place because I'm useless at organising my stuff and I hate paper and my computer can be reformatted at any moment and I can forget to back it up. I am going to be particularly candid but not verbose as I am a very straight up wysiwyg kind of person (I sometimes feel that devious people are threatened by me because I am inquisitive and intensely dislike anything involving one person profiting at another's expense)
Enough for today.
posted by Elfspice at Monday, September 06, 2004
1 Comments:
Sorry to hear about your situation, sorrier (SP??) still that I relate to it so well!
You just have to keep telling yourself it's but a short moment in a very long life, soon enough the wheel will turn and a brighter path will present itself to you.
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