blogging on

My first blog entry... (since last time)...

My plan is to write something near the end of each day that sums up my day's experiences.

Right now i'm a bit spent.... *pours another glass of homebrew* hope I don't get tyramine headache from it. Recently i abruptly stopped using ritalin 20 SR as it has long been giving me problems. Too high, too low... the dosing has been a bitch...

One day I will find a way to medicate myself, drugs and diet etc, and I will cast this nasty experience with psychiatric medicine into the dungeon of past unpleasantnesses.

I read an article today about adrenal problems, and it introduced this concept of over-adaptation to danger. In a nutshell this means developing mental and physical and emotional postures in response to threats one is unable to eliminate (due usually to being a baby at the time). For me this means that i feel at my best in extreme stress conditions. Low stress leaves me spinning my wheels. Amphetamines elevate my physical natural threat responses making me feel more ready to deal with everyday.

In simple terms, my "normal" consciousness state is in a permanent state of high alert, even when things are completely safe and relaxed. Thus, normal tasks end up on the low priority list consistently. In other words most of the time when I am awake I am ready to act in an emergency all the time. Emergencies are rare, but my unconscious reaction in all situations is of high alert and readiness. The emergencies rarely eventuate but the exhaustion of this high alert state is constant and endless. It affects everything. Imagine when you are having sex with a beautiful person, and you should be absorbed. But instead my mind seems to be insistant on drawing my attention to EVERY stimuli. That aspect is one of the most frustrating. This problem has caused me to have an eating disorder too... can't eat in an emergency...